Oh my gosh.
It doesn’t all have to be figured out… In fact, it will NEVER be all figured out. Until the end of time and the day you die you will never have it all figured out. You will NEVER be perfect. You will never get to a point where you reach complete contentment and it just lasts forever. WHy did it take me so long to realize this? Or have I been re-realizing this over and over but still going back to my perfectionist state? And what if I did? Maybe that’s fine because we’ll NEVER have it figured OUT!!
I was feeling bla today. My relationship with my father is currently on a dwindling tight rope and finding out he was coming back tomorrow kinda ruined my excitement of having the next two days off. I came into my room and proceeded to play some more “New Girl” episodes even though I’ve watched it so many times. I just sat there and was like what am I doing? I’m wasting my time, I gotta do something. But the depression kicked in and I simultaneously had no urge to do anything. Not to paint, or to listen to my fiction book, or my other book. Not to write for this blog or work on my applications or write my scholarships. I just didn’t want to create anything. I signed into this blog here and instead decided to go to the Reader’s page, and “lo and behold” I stumble upon this perfectly placed post that I’ve linked down at the bottom⬇️⬇️.
I honestly was more intrigued by the blog title (Pointless Overthinking) than anything else. Mainly because all I’ve been realizing lately is that I think a LOT. I have so many thoughts that run through my brain on a daily basis that I don’t know if that places me on the “smart” spectrum or soo far past the “intelligible” realm that I’m just entering into crazy town. Or possibly ADHD (I dont know okay! I’m a psych major I self diagnose myself daily!).
ANYWAY, I stumbled upon this post and it was exactly what I needed. Someone telling me to stop trying to be perfect. Just be grateful for what you are right now. Reflect and appreciate what you’ve achieved in the past year. Be content with the fact that you are not the same person you were a year ago, heck or even a month ago. And sure, things are confusing, and relationships are strained and you can’t fix all of them overnight but you know what? Who cares?
So in the spirit of turning “pointless overthinking” into “purposeful” thinking, why don’t I just take this time to list all the things I’ve done this year, what I am grateful for, and honestly, how lucky I am to have survived a pandemic while working in an ER! Subhanallah that is all from God man. Alhamdulillah.
1- I got a job. I am a medical scribe in an ER and I was proactive enough to not LOSE my job, before it even started, by asking to be transferred in order to complete my training.
2- I dealt with a coworker/trainer that did not like me at all but I got past it. I persevered and I made it to the other side.
3- I got SUPER (with Allah’s help and A LOT of effort on my own part) super good at my job! I can condense PMHx (past medical histories) like there’s no tomorrow and I’ve figured out the jargon to be able to condense HPI’s in general.
4- I’ve worked with and feel comfortable with a lot more providers than I used to be.
5- I’ve been doing a decent job of lowering my gaze while at this job. It aint easy yall. It is NOT easy!!
6- I’ve started calling my grandparents a lot more. This is honestly something I am very proud and happy of. I realized how neglectful we had been to them over the past few years and while sure, yes, I can do better, I have also DONE better over the last few months.
7- I’m getting my butt back on the saddle. Instead of choosing to let fear of my mental illness, and the mental illness itself, rule my life, I am learning to do the opposite. To accept my mental illness, deal with it, and move on so I can become a competent provider in this world and not just a dependent.
8- Very recently, I became fully acquainted with the fact that I. AM. WEIRD! I am so weird. I may not be a full on nerd that is a homebody, who likes to be alone all the time, but I am definitely a socially awkward turtle and it takes time for me to get comfortable with people. I’m weird. I will be till the end of time and my brother, my mother, my father, my ENTIRE family may not get it, but that does not mean I gotta change or be someone else. Just be weird. We’re all a little weird in our own ways and I’m a tad bit farther on the spectrum and that is fine. I am going to find a guy one day (inshallah) that is just as weird. Who gets my humour and laughs at the same stuff. That I am inspired by and I deeply respect. But I will also be so weird with! And our families will look at us like we are two weirdos and we just won’t care because we’ll be in love. Point is I’m weird. And someone will appreciate that some day but as of now, I appreciate that. I accept it, I love it, and I wouldn’t wanna be anyone else.
9- I mustered the courage to send LOR requests! And so many professors agreed to write me one. (which reminds me I gotta respond to my email).
10- Did I mention I am taking care of my health? I had a lot of appointments this year but only because I am really trying. Really trying to make this right. And get better. Be better.
11- I read books!! SO many books! Ady Barkan, Chris Winter, Brandon Sanderson, the one about anatomy and physiology, Uswah Alade’s book!
12- I STARTED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF ASSOCIATES DEGREE IN ISLAMIC STUDIES AND SCHOLARSHIP!!! I mean how amazing is that?! I had a goal, and I began to pursue it. I’d also like to mention that I am super happy about this because I feel like so many times when I tell people about myself, I mention things that I “like” but barely ever do. “I love to swim, I love learning about Islam, I love helping others, I love teaching, I love hiking, I love the outdoors.” I do “like” all of those things, but how often do I actually “do” them? So this was a step in the right direction. I also signed up for the next semester.
13- I got back to a therapist and this time I’ve hit some major breakthroughs. Issues with my father and how I deal with relationships, how i view romantic relationships, my newfound voice after being on medication for 8+ months… Etc etc.
14- self… acceptance… of taking… medication. Look, this is who I am. I’m Sakeenah and I need medication to get me through the day. You can tell me I am crazy all you want but at the end of the day I’m fighting for my future. A future where I am competent enough to be someone that others can depend on… and depend on CONSISTENTLY. I’m pushing past my fears and working towards pursuits I never thought was in my reach before taking the medication. I am achieving, and happy with myself, and that is all that really matters.
15- I am starting to pray again. I’ve been going through a really weird rut with my whole salah thing. At one point I felt like I was losing it altogether, and then sometimes, it would come in waves. I’m still working towards this but another realization I found this year was that I am an adult now. I am not the naive, innocent middle school girl I once knew where praying salah was sooo soooo important and my brain was not corrupted lol. My heart is not as pure as it was when I was a child, and honestly I pray to You Oh Allah (swt) that you do purify my heart and you make it clean again, and shield me from that which is displeasing to you Ameen! But until then, I am an adult. I know things I didn’t before. I am desensitized to things I was not before. I am not in an environment surrounded by Muslims anymore. The majority of people that I interact with on the daily don’t consider themselves “religious” at all. Some don’t believe in a God at all. They gossip and think it’s ok. They lie and think it’s ok. They dress in a way that impurifies the eyes ever… So… Slowly. Living in a world like that will definitely desensitize you over time.
So this is not going to be easy. Its going to be hard, and the closer to Allah (swt) I get, the more challenges, pains and struggles I will face. This is what all those years of training were for. To go out into the world and continue to still fight to be me.
16- I view friendships differently. They require a lot of work but it is the right thing to do. But family, neighbors, elders, they are all just as important.
17- I can type at like crazy WPM speeds now. And omg I can retain a lot more sentences in my short term/working memory than I used to be able to (subhanallah, alhamdulillah, Allahumabarik).
18- I memorized some surahs including Surah Mulk, Surat Al-E-Imran the last ten ayat, Surah Kahf- the first and last ten ayat, Surah Rahman (more than half). Alhamdulillah.
19- I very slowly, and very gingerly, have become increasingly more comfortable with the idea of marriage and growing up, compared to how I once used to think of it.
20- I was so close to almost running a 5K last year. And this year, im going to try again.
21- And finally, life. aint. perfect. So I got kidney stones at 23! Alhamdulillah at least they’re gone! So I sucked at my job initially, and my supervisor/trainer did NOT like me, but at least I got the job! My dad hates me and is not talking to me right now, well at least I got a dad! At least he comes home sometimes and pays some bills and I know who he is and have good memories of him. Life just isn’t perfect. You win some days, you lose some days but that’s the cool thing about life is that it still goes on permitting you another day to go out and rebrand yourself and size the day and change what maybe you couldn’t yesterday. So all that really matters is that you just get out of bed. 🙂
Below is the post that inspired this post!
REPOST: The Only New Year’s Resolution You’ll Ever Need — by Pointless Overthinking
“Trying is the first step to failure.” – HOMER SIMPSON I don’t care much for New Year’s Resolutions. The idea of sitting down to make a list of things I must or must not do. Frankly it makes me want to jam a pen in my eye. (Which would, incidentally, be less painful than watching […]The Only New Year’s Resolution You’ll Ever Need — Pointless Overthinking