Post Graduation Health Scares- a reflection

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These days, I find myself with a lot of fear. In the past few months after my Master’s graduation, I have been plagued or perhaps silently blessed with a plethora of health issues ranging from physical excruciating kidney stone pain, to fears for my life regarding cardiac issues, to neurological symptoms. Some have worsened, others have maintained a stable yet barrier-filled presence in my life. Either way, they have significantly decreased my quality of life on the outside and I suddenly have an entirely newfound respect and appreciation and humility within articles that study the “Quality of Life index” for patients in psychology studies. It’s incredible and terrible the way physical health issues can lead to such detrimental psychological pain. To be more specific, my medical issues have incited fear for my life these days and fear of losing my independence- or rather the frustration of losing my independence. Sickness truly makes you look like life in the eye and address it in a very raw and awfully realistic way.

but I realized in that fear is a chance to turn to you oh Allah. surely in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find sukoon. so instead of being fearful, its my time to have tawakkul. to trust you Allah that you don’t want to harm me. you want what is best for me and you will take care of me. And inshallah you will give me my health back and get me to a place where I can use my body to benefit people instead of take from them. You were just looking out for me. You are testing me and instead of turning to fear and flailing I will turn to you and the Quran and Hadith. No one can care for me like you do and you are as your servant sees you. So if I see you as harsh and unmerciful or un-gentle, well I don’t want to finish that sentence. But if I see you as merciful, kind, gentle, and loving; not wanting to put me through pain but knowing well what difficulties in my life will answer the duas I have made to You, then You will be just that. so inshallah I pray that I always see you in a good light and I seek refuge in you from being stricken in my faith or losing my salah. Ameen. I make Dua that I am amongst the muhsineen and that I find goodness and rizq in my life very soon.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

I keep saying that hoping that with each day, whether I failed at something, or life hit me too hard, that I can be hopeful that perhaps the next day is when you will give me everything I have asked for and more. inshallah.

On a separate note, I ams so lucky and grateful to you oh Allah.

Alhamdulillah I don’t have to take dramamine when I get on a flight.

Alhamdulillah I had no physical pain throughout the entire flight back home from New York. Alhamdulillah for a blissful night with no health issues or flank pain. Ya Rabbi thank you. I shamefully ask that you continue this pleasure and allow me to no long have any kidney stone pain ever again inshallah. Ameen.

Nobility

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I realized something today. Why i hate doing aba serving this person in my life. Perhaps there’s a tiny bit of me that hasn’t forgiven them yet, but the real, major, core of why i have trouble is this persons manners. I just realized what people mean by hyderabadi vs my nani’s culture.

The truth is, that person in my life might be rich, but they have the manners of a street urchin. And in my pride and ego, I don’t like bringing myself below that person or that level of mannerisms in general. So i refuse to obey and listen. it makes me wonder did no one teach them? Did their parents not have them? I realize there’s more than one way to be “above” someone and its not just in money. Its in manners. True noble men and women have This nobility and aura about them. It is free of pride and full of mercy. And I’ve seen this even in those slaves and servants before the civil war. People might have taken their rights but they could not remove the nobility that resisted in some of these People’s hearts. They weren’t scared they were noble.

So as I am realizing this, I start to think, wow I want to be like that! Until I realize something worse… I am copying that person I dislike. I’m turning into them when it comes to manners. I have almost none. I have this attitude of saying whatever I want whenever I want to. I don’t value holding my tongue or performing services for someone I don’t respect. And I am brash, loud, and have the manners… of a street urchin…😔

Oh Allah help me be better. Not because of anyone but so that this part of my life can become my greatest life saver instead of my greatest downfall and sin. Ameen.

End of 2024, Life Update

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Asalamualaikum,

Welcome to another reflection, journaling blog post. It is December 28th, 2024 today. Just a few more days of 2024 and a few more days beyond that of my semester break before I begin classes again. OMG GUYSSSS I AM IN A MASTER PSYCHOLOGY PROGRAM!!! WHATT??? HOW DID I END UP HERE???

Wow.

The little me that made this blog… I don’t think she pictured herself here but I heeeerrre! I received some wonderful advice from a professor of mine about learning to be an advocate for mental health even outside of my sessions and how to answer and help people in the best way possible, directing them and guiding them to services without feeling like you have to do the whole therapy yourself right then and there.

Hmmm…. what else? I live at home again. Inshallah, if I stop being so rude, may Allah reward me for the serving I have done during my time here that I may have missed out on while living elsewhere. At the same time, some information has come out about my dad. Its only speculation right now. I don’t know if it is true. Needless to say, I have reason to believe my dad is not the most upstanding man in the world and that has been hard to swallow. I have not told a soul except for my therapist. I have considered telling my brother. Maybe I will. We don’t talk often enough to do so though. Maybe I should call him inshallah in the future.

I lost 3 family members this year. My nani’s older brother, my nani’s younger brother, and my nanaba’s older sister. I witnessed a funeral and while I did not witness washing of the body, we did come in afterwards. I think my last uncle’s passing has been hitting me in spurts.

Allah swt says that He has created life and death so that He may test us as to which of us is better in our deeds. Sometimes I feel like I am not getting that, or rather applying that. But why? Why am I missing out on that Allah? Please help me to not miss out on reminding myself as to why I am here and truly changing my life around. I want to be better at praying my salah…. I just… I don’t know. It has not been good. And I dont know what to do or how to fix it. It probably requires something difficult like getting rid of my ego and asking for help from my parents or something. The best successes in life usually require that.

I am journaling this by the way because I restarted the fabulous app. I completed the first 3 items and now I added a 4th- journaling.

I think I will make a to do list for the day. I have to reach out to K, then get ready for L’s apartment party, then text A if she wants to go at the same time, then go to L’s party, then get some hot pot with my cousins. As I am typing this, I am realizing we should probably come up with some fun games to play while doing the hot pot and at the party. I need to find a cool party trick.

I am also a part of two labs, I really enjoy doing research, I got an EEG of my brain done, I have written some cool papers about depression aaaand omg I am going to be a psychologist one day!!!! EEEEEPPP!! How EXCITING is that???!

ALright guys signing off.

I am grateful to my grandparents that are all still alove while some of my cousins have lost their grandparetns but they are younger than me. I am grateful for having money. period. Like that one thing is such a blessing to be able to afford things, food, blankets, homes (technically I cant but my family can) which is why I am also thankful for my parents and for them helping me out and providing for my brother and I. I am also so grateful for my brother. Thank you Allah (swt). Sometimes, I think I would go crazy if I did not have him in my life.

Alhamdulillah.

Ameen!

Best,

Sakeenah

A Gratitude Journal- post 27 birthday

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Asalamualaikum,

My dear respected brothers and sisters in Islam.

Hehe. Sounds kind of like the khateeb when he gives a khutbah at jummuah.

… I haven’t been to jummuah. In a long time. 😦 I want to go back. Maybe this Ramadan, that will be one of my goals.

Its raining today. The older I get, the more I love rain. The calmness it brings. The way it makes the sound of cars racing by sound different. The way it looks like tiny, nameless, unassuming specs through my window, until it reaches the ground and colors the driveways a dark beige, and then I can see it. I can see it in grand puddles scattered across my neighborhood. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for rain.

I wonder if it is raining for Aisha’s mom. A friend of mine’s mother passed away yesterday. May Allah be pleased with her and grant her jennah-tul-firdaws. I did not know her. I did not know her daughter very well either, but she is a wonderful woman. May Allah make it easy for my friend as well ameen.

I wanted to take some time today to write a gratitude journal. I am 27 subhanallah! Can you believe it? Oh how quickly time passes. It feels like yesterday I was writing a journal about all the things I learned by 23. Oh gee. I knew nothing at 23! And I will probably feel the same again the next time I write this.

I don’t really have any lessons today. Just a gratitude journal. I am grateful for being given another day to breathe many breaths alhamdulillah. I am grateful to have been able to see my grandparents last weekend and done a paint and pass with my friend.

I am grateful for my full time job that gets me up every morning and out of the house before 9 am. I am grateful my sleep schedule is not as bad as it used to be 2 years ago.

I am grateful for a certain sense of awareness in my life and about my mental health. My mother has always been a heroine to me and she still is. But as she gets older, perhaps she is more bitter or perhaps it has been there her whole life, but I realize her anger and meanness towards me is subtle. She has a way of making me feel guilty without ordering me to do anything. Her questions are suggestions that she makes me feel guilty about not taking in a very slighted manner. It used to get to me. I would beat myself up and never felt accomplished around her, like I was always doing something wrong. My mom likes to solve problems. That is the only way she knows how to show me love too I guess. Especially when she is depressed about her own life. Anyways, this is all to say, that I am grateful I can recognize this now. In the past, I pretty much made her opinions my standard, and since I never matched up to them I was always a failure. Being aware of her behavior now though, I am able to move past it without it getting to my head or tying it to my self worth. Perhaps the concise way to put it is that through my awareness I have learned to compartmentalize. A crucial skill in my profession anyways. So I am grateful for the awareness, and with it the self esteem, and hopefulness I have brought into myself.

I am grateful for the applications I was able to submit, and the money I was able to spend on them.

I am grateful for the many many beautiful clothes I own, and the opportunity to give many away and pass them on to another wonderful person.

I am grateful for water, and the sweetness, and refreshing taste it brings that no other drink can seem to match. Perhaps this is what they mean by the word “quench.” Tea might taste delicious, but nothing quenches thirst like the sweet taste of water on a dry throat.

I am grateful for all the money I am saving by being able to live in my family’s home, and for having a family that lets me live in their home.

I know I cannot make everyone happy. Sometimes I wish I could fix my mothers life, and improve my nani’s mental health. Sometimes I wish I could be the heroine that saves everyone’s day in various ways. I cannot, I am not a superhero and I am certainly not God. But that is why I am lucky to have a God- to leave my problems in Their hands. Oh Allah ease my grandparents’ pains both mental and physical and allow/grant them a sweet death, and a sweet hereafter. Ya Allah allow me to feel content surrounding my grandparents and to not feel regretful. Oh Allah bless my grandparents the honor of being a shaheed and allow the last words on ALL of their lips to be la ilaha ilallah. Make my nani content, happy, peaceful, and calm. Remove the hate she has in her heart towards other people.

Ya Allah fix my family situation. Whatever is bringing difficulty, sadness, tension, depression, unfulfillment, or fear, or pain, please fix it. Please heal it. Please mend it in the way you know best.

Ya Allah protect me. Protect me from mental pain, and physical pain, and financial pain, and emotional pain. Protect me from coming nearer to You via a difficult path.

Grant me a fruitful, successful, and happy Ramadan. Make me someone that brings joy to the people I am around. Ya Allah, surely You know, and I know not. I pray that you grant me help and aid in wherever I need it most. I ask for your help just as Musa (as) asked for Your help. I am in need of whatever it is you can provide for me. Ameeeeeeeeeeen!

Thank you for my car ya Allah. Thank you for my job, my car, my parents, my brother, my family, my speech, my mind, my heart, my limbs, my eyes, and ears, and face. Thank you for every working cell in my body, and the things that don’t work that you protect me from.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Another Life Update

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, My Story (Category)Leave a comment

Salaam everyone. Subhanallah we are already in January 2024. Subhanallah subhanallah subhanallah. Thank you Allah for getting me here, thank you Allah for giving me the friends I have made in these past few years that have inspired me to make a life for myself that I get to choose. Thank you Allah for a home, safety, unlike some people right now (🍉) 😔, thank you for food, family that sticks by you, love, unconditional love, my eyes, these fingers to type, sooo many blessings I physically cannot count them all. But alhamdulillah, and thank you nonetheless.

You know I was reading my little side-bio on my home page today and thinking about how far I have come from that younger self now. Perhaps, the biggest change being- the satisfaction of knowing where I am heading/want to go in life. Pursuing a Clinical Psychology degree- there’s fear of course, but there’s also excitement that I have no idea where this will take me. What places will I go? Who will I meet? What will I experience? What will be hard, what will be easy. Reflecting on it now, I realize much of my inability to choose, and much of my “lostness” feeling, stemmed from my fear of disappointing my parents. I was afraid to pursue a career that they disapproved of, and as such, I tried to force myself through a door that was just not meant for me- at least not anytime soon if at all. I think older siblings can be pretty hard on themselves when it comes to feeling like they made their parents proud. Especially when your life’s destiny does not match up with that goal that your parents have in mind.

My path to career (and quite frankly life), is not so standard, and I love it that way. It allows me to be open to the parts of my life that I have yet to discover. Open to people, places, things, and ideas. While inshallah, I pray that my principles always stay the same, my ability to access more of the world is so bright! And allahu akbar am I so happy! Happy to go to work every morning. Happy when I come home from work. Content with where I am going. Satisfied even if my parents, grandparents, aunties, etc. have a million different opinions on my life and the way I should be living it. Lol I sound like a young teenager right now, but I think that is because I spent most of my teen years not challenging anything. I did not fight for anything, I did not even try to do things. I just focused on being the best child i could for my parents.

As a 26 year old, now I can appreciate the importance of being good to your parents, while also being content living a life that is not exactly as they had planned. And by that I do not mean going out to bars and staying out late into the night making bad decisions, with questionable friends. I simply mean pursuing a career outside of medicine. Pursuing a life in which I am not a workaholic but rather make time for the little things- like scheduling out time every month to visit family, caring for a plant, designing and decorating my home. Things my family never really did because we were hyper-focused on getting good grades, getting a good job, and of course staying within the path of Islam. The latter is still very important to me, but the former 2 goals are goals I realized can be toxic. If you are a workaholic that prides themselves on all the work you accomplish every day, it can sometimes affect your mentality. And then you meet people who judge women for not working (for example) as if they have nothing else to offer to the world. They treat this stereotype of a woman as being useless, and just “taking,” while that is not always the case. There is so much more to making a world and a life other than working. There’s all the back ends of things. And I realized as an adult that learning to make time for the other things (other than just making money) is a large part of what “living your life” means.

How exciting it is to be on this side of the pasture now. I do work full time but I always take a day off to ensure I can take care of other priorities in my life. I try to schedule vacations to see important people and to me those are the monumental parts of my life. Anyways, pursuing my current path has helped me in more ways than one and I am eternally grateful to Allah swt for getting me this far.

Another interesting reflection of getting to this age, is acknowledging how even the strongest emotions can eventually become fleeting and then disappear. I fell in love with a man that I loved for 8 years. And then after the 8 years its not like it just ended. Our relationship may have ended but this person was still somehow apart of my psyche and it felt like my whole life sometimes. I would interact with their friends, family,etc. Eventually they married and every sad emotion that had been drummed up from years before came back in full force. Love is a tricky thing. But the craziest part of the whole story was my ability to move on. Eventually, all those feelings died down and I look at my old self thinking “how could I think that those feelings would last forever?” Like I really thought it had to be this person and that was the end. But Allah swt teaches you to trust Him in crazy ways sometimes. And now when I look at people, or relationships, or even my feelings, I am always acknowledging fleetingness of it all. Which is why important relationships in your life must be tended to, nurtured, and worked on- or else they will also become only a distant memory. 

I think I will stop here. But hang in there everyone. This was a long-winded way of saying “This too shall pass.” Even the awful. numb. almost emptyfull feeling you have right now WILL pass. And it will make way for some beautiful, amazing moments in life that you NEED to stick around for. Even if you give up hope on yourself, don’t give up hope on Allah and His capabilities to help you.

With love,

Sakeenah

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Well I figured out where my depression was coming from! Its… kinda… sad and probably not safe to talk about on the internet, but let’s just say I am happy to have discovered the reason. And now I am on a new mission. A mission to get out of the house I am living in and make it on my own. A mission to fight for my happiness. I am working full time right now. I come home exhausted, and I may start working a second job. But it will all be worth it with Allah swt by my side. He will be there for me every step of the way inshallah.

I don’t know what else to type. I typed up this suuuuper long post about everything that has been happening in my life lately. But I guess I am scared to post it. Do you think I could get my family in trouble? If I write about them? I mean, I am a grown adult now so I guess it is a little different.