Today I was praying Isha salah, and I was thinking about my toothache and trying to push past it and say alhamdulillah. Trying to remind myself that every time I feel a little pain here, inshallah that is one point less of pain in the akhirah. I was thinking about that y’know? My headspace was in the “the Muslim is simply a traveler in this world” kind of headspace and I started thinking about some of the other pains I have experienced in this world.
Of course my thoughts eventually made its way to “hayaa” (that’s what we’re calling this guy for right now). And idk how or when it dawned on me but I literally started crying when I thought of it. And that is, instead of hoping that true love is one where you can let the person go even though it hurts, but you do it because you love them? There’s a better love than that. And that’s the love when you realize that whenever something happens in your life that you didn’t want or plan but Allah swt made it happen, that you love Him (Allah) Soo much that you’re Soo happy to have been given what HE gave you.
And that just made me cry. Like how beautiful would that be? I hope I get to be a believer in which I am Soo happy that Allah gave me what He gave me because HE gave it to me. And so because I Love Him so much, every item, event, and blessing He gives me, becomes so special because He gave it.
And I started crying because I realized that’s probably how much I loved Hayaa. That whatever he gave me, whether that be a ring, or a beautiful dress, or a travel ticket, or a horribly hand made ceramic mug, or an ugly valentines day card,- I knew I used to love him so much that I would’ve willfully loved and accepted all those things because he was the one giving them to me. And if he told me he’d hold my hand and to trust him while we go bungee jumping, I knew that i would trust him then too and trust that I’d be alright. Because i loved him. So what about holding to the rope of Allah and loving what He gave me and trusting Him? What about trusting Allah by understanding He removed this guy from my life for a reason? What about trusting and loving Allah?
And I started to cry with the realization that Allah swt had not only saved me from becoming so attached to a single human being (who could never help me the way Allah can), but He also led me to Him instead because now, instead of feeling that way towards Hayaa, I felt that way towards Allah. That He chose this for me. ALLAH! The Creator of everything! The One who is powerful over everything. The One who’s kingdom and dominion includes EVERYTHING! And He! That being, decided to give me a gift of choosing to remove that guy for me. And instead has someone better for me. I trust Him. Like how lucky am I? And I love you. I love you Allah. I am grateful for everything you send me, whether I want it or not, because it was You! It was You who sent it. How extremely, incredibly, exceptionally special.
So whatever you give ya Allah, I pray you never allow me to forget that. That I love what You’ve given me because I love You. Thank You for guiding me to love You Allah. I never would’ve experienced this had You given me what I wanted.
So just a general context by the way, I will talk about my situation with this guy eventually. I’m just currently processing a lot right now. So it’s going to take some time before im able to write about it. But for now, i fell in love with someone, we both did, but i prayed Salatul istikharah, and after 6 years, i realized it was not supposed to be me who he would end up with and Vice versa. Allah had someone else planned for him and so too does He have someone planned for me. The only catch is, I’m still waiting a little while for mine. But alhamdulillah. That’s the whole point of this point. That i am grateful Allah made it happen this way because it is ALLAH who made it happen this way.
Had it been our choices and our choices alone, we would’ve joined together two people that were just not meant to be subhanallah. And perhaps there was something bad art the end of it. Perhaps someone gets hurt, poor both of us. But alhamdulillah that didn’t happen.
Thank You ya Rabbi for the blessings i am aware of, and for the blessings I am unaware of. Alhamdulillah.