May 2021 – The Warrior Within

This reminds me of an experience I had as a kid. Ever since I was little I’ve loved to paint. I love the fluidity of it, I love the somewhat careless/carefree nature of it, I love that you can paint outside the lines and never be wrong because you’re starting with a blank canvas… there ARE no lines!

Anyways, so I enrolled in this summer art camp at this place called D&M art studio. And the experience was of course memorable and sooo fun. But the part I remember the most was this mural that our teacher- Ms. D,would have on one of the walls of her studio. It was this giant mural, usually painted with black paint, outlining a scene like a safari of animals, or a prairie landscape, or an undersea view with all the plants and sea animals. It looked like a giant coloring book page basically. And every year us students would eye that wall because on the very last day of art camp, we’d all get together in our “ready-to-get-messy” t-shirts and we’d just paint our hearts out. We’d each choose different parts to paint and at the end of the day we’d get to look at this beautiful colorful masterpiece!

Gosh good memories. Anyways, in remembering that memory and remembering how fun it was to get my hands, and feet, and clothes and even hair (😳 haha) covered in paint, makes me want to have this for my kids that much more! Can you imagine a family day, where you take all the furniture out of the room and just paint that mural, however you want. And as a family we’d be able to look at it all the time and know that WE did that.

Point is- it sounds fun, and I LOVE this idea. And if anyone ever tries it before me (since I don’t have kids yet lol), and wants to share their pics or experience, please do!!

So to those of you who don’t know, and/or did not read the title of this blog, I have Major Depressive Disorder, surprise! 😀

Lol ok no but for real, its a diagnosis I have been tied to since as early as 5th grade, but looking back I had signs of it relatively early on. I am not sure if it was due to family related situations, or if I was born with it, or predisposed, or what, and I don’t really care anymore. The point is, its a thing, that I have, and its sooo. much. fun. (She said with a strained distressed smile, bags hollowing out her undereyes). Anywhoo, so you get the picture. I also have spent a rocky road of 15+ years trying to treat it, and ultimately landed on a medication called Bupropion which I honestly feel has been helping. I first noted the effects about 4 to 5 months into it, but I am sure I was experiencing it earlier. I started running and the exercise I think really boosted it. And yadda yadda yadda, (I’ll talk about my initial experience with this medication in another post).

For the sake and purposes of THIS post however, I want to talk about the medication 2 years out- meaning I have been on it for 2 years now. Something I noticed when I initially started taking it was how much more energy and passion I felt I had. When something bothered me, instead of feeling numb and crawling into a bawl crying alone in my closet, I actually had the energy and gumption to voice and vocalize my anger, frustration, and my hurt. It was honestly a wonderful feeling. I also realized I could get into fights a little more often, and sometimes I would say something without thinking, thus effecting my relationships and regretting what I had said.

In reflecting over the past 2 years, I initially really loved this and when my doctor asked me about anxiety related side effects, I told her that I do feel as though I get anxiety now, but I honestly felt that it was me being my true self, and that the depression had been hiding this true gumption personality for the past 15 years now. She asked me about anxiety again and I brushed it off saying I was doing good and that a little bit of anxiety was good. I also decided that in having this new found anxiety, I need to learn (much later than others) how to control said anger and anxiety and energy and channel it properly. Calm down a little and learn to let some things go. And to continue to practice THINKING before I speak or act. Much like people with anger management issues may have.

Now… I’m starting to think the anxiety might be a lot. I am not really sure. I just know that I get anxiety a lot. I overthink, and ruminate and write, and type, and speak a LOT. I can see how some people may acknowledge this as “smart” and I liked feeling that way for a bit but I am worried that perhaps the anxiety is getting out of hand. I am not really sure what to do at this point. I am now on three meds (1.5 of bupropion, and a medication for my ICS diagnosis) at the age of 24 and the thought of being put on yet another medication kinda worries me.

Has anyone here dealt with depression medication related anxiety? And if so how do you deal with it? Is it something you felt was severe enough that you needed to change your medication? I’m really searching for answers at this point. I am happy because the medication I feel is working in the sense that I can get out of bed and do stuff (sometimes), and it doesn’t affect me like previous medications did like causing me to constantly be hungry or constantly feel sleepy. It has not come with any side effects that I was able to discern and I like that, and I like it. And i would like for it to stay that way. But of course at one point I guess you have to decide, to what extent is the side effect affecting your life negatively that you need to change it.

Anyways, just looking for some help and advice really. Thanks yall! Buh byye and salaam!