So long ago, I actually got up early, and got stuff done (sometimes…)

Well, I’ve been trying to create a routine for myself and boy do I keep failing at it. But that is okay, great people rise from failure. Average people sit in a bed of lies, thinking it is success. Either way, my point is that its okay to fail over and over, you just have to keep getting back up and sometimes try a different approach.
In my quest to start a daily routine I have,
1) downloaded dozens of apps including Habitica, Start, and Productive
2) Tried to go to sleep super early so I could wake up early and start off well
3) Taken sleeping pills to actually go to bed
4) Tried at least 30 different methods of “How to wake up early” advice
5) Read hundreds of articles on how to create a routine
6) Watched thousands of YouTube videos on how to create a routine
Basically I’ve done a lot. Now I am trying yet another approach. First, I will be recording my days here. I need to start by listing what I like to call my “vitals.” So:
-time i went to bed
-time i woke up
-if i took my medicine

Then I will proceed to tell you about my day. It probably won’t be too long since the idea is that I log this every day. My first day I will just get an idea of what my current day looks like so here we go, I am logging it all for today.

Time to bed- 3:00 AM
Time I woke up- 7:00 AM
Medicine? I think so?

7:00-I got up put on a hijab and hoodie and got in the car to drive my brother to school
7:13- left the house while eating a Nutella sandwich
7:46- Arrived at school
8:07- arrived at home and went to bed
8:07-11:30ish- I sat in bed watching a drama, sleeping, and telling myself I’ll get up in a few mins, wasted time on phone
11:30- got up, wasted time sitting there, then went to bathroom and washed my face
11:40- found something to wear
11:50- washed face again and half did wudu
12:00- walked back and forth around room while watching my drama and just standing. Wore my clothes and walked back and forth while putting on hijab throughout my house.
12:30- I left the house at 12:30ish after taking about an hour to get up and wash up. I did not even floss, but still took forever. I did not take a shower, or make a full wudu. I just washed my face twice, did a quick shave of my face and
12:32- realize i still didn’t fill my oil and bought some to refill it
12:40- sat in a Wendy’s parking lot as I refilled my oil while wearing super nice clothes
12:45- Got on the highway and followed a car I thought was someone I knew (but it wasn’t). While simultaneously speeding
1:09-arrive at university
1:15-walk to one of the buildings to make meeting minutes before my last meeting for my school club (I’m president)
1:35- kinda sit there and pack up and reply to a friend’s text and wait for her to meet me but then I couldn’t wait so I just left
1:40- Went to pick up two boxes of pizza for my club’s meeting
1:50- rushed downstairs
1:55-2:50- In my club’s meeting
3:00- Forgot my shoes in the prayer room and a friend reminded me. I ran up to get them.
3:15ish-Walked over to the Undergraduate Library and found an empty room. I booked a different room while I was in there.
3:30- it was too loud there so I left and sat somewhere else
3:40- 4:20- wasted time watching GIFS on my phone on Facebook.
4:20-4:30- Wasted some more time
4:30-4:45- sent out a Facebook post to remind group of summer work. Sent messages to different boards of the team
4:45-6:08- Wasted more time, wrote a blog post, started writing this blog post, and am still writing it.

Today I think I truly understood what it means to be a leader. And let me start by being honest and say that it kinda really sucks. It’s REALLY hard. I’m sure the fact that I am a bubbly, short (5’0), high-pitched girl unfortunately adds to it, but its hard to get people to listen to you! Its hard because lots of people have questions that you don’t know the answers to. It’s difficult because not everyone agrees on certain ideas. People don’t always take you seriously, but through all that you still have to strive and persevere and make your expectation a reality. And why?
As a depressed person, a question that constantly crosses my mind is: “Why? Why does it matter? Who cares?

I’ll tell you who cares, everyone who put you on that pedestal and accepts you as their leader. They may be difficult, not take you seriously, cause problems, be argumentative, but at the end of the day they acknowledge that you are the leader. And so when or if something goes wrong, you can’t blame it on your team, its all on you. And there is nothing you can do about it.

I realize I’m making this sound like a pity post and I promise that is not my intention, but I really just realized what being a leader means.
It means taking responsibility for the management of a group of people who may or may not get along. It means welcoming in people that you may not work well with for the sake of getting a job done.  It means having a thick skin when people don’t always listen to you. It means putting yourself out their for everyone to judge when none of them are willing to put themselves out there.

And I know this may have started off as a pity post but dang is that a noble position to take on! True leaders seriously are like my heroes now. I don’t think we as followers, non-leaders, the rest of the world, realize how many times leaders had to fail in front of other people. Or simply how much more often they failed than other people because they had the guts to take a risk. Because they were put in a position that requires action without dictation. There is no one telling you what to do or when to do it. And while bad leaders may perceive this as great, its not super great; Because everyone is looking to you to tell them what to do. They may not listen to you but they are still expecting that you somehow create a great and perfect outcome or product. And to anyone who is sitting in the leadership seat right now, well hats off to you.

*clap* *clap* *clap*

If this were a video blog, I would insert an applause here because Subhanallah, leaders have it so difficult. I respect that and I respect you. I have decided to take on this position as leader of a school club at my college and now I’ve got to do this. Its my job to take on all the qualities I listed before and more.

But you know what is interesting, I am not going to give up. Not because everyone is watching me, not because I already have the position and I’m kinda stuck, but because I am capable of doing. Because Inshallah with Allah (swt)’s help, I will show people that I have what it takes to be a great leader. That I will lead my group to success no matter how internally or externally difficult it may be. I am fighting for education, and inspiring minds, and I am ready to stand up for that. I may be able to give up on myself sometimes, but I will not give up on others.

On a side note, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME GUYS! Omg I am so scared and I pray to Allah (swt) that He help me through this. But I’m sure if Allah (swt) wills it, I know I can do it. I don’t know, there is just something inside me telling me that I can actually do this, and I am going to follow that gut feeling. My depression may throw all these worries in my way but I wont let it take over my thinking and mentality. I can do this!!!!