Dear Nanaba, 

Today I went to work and I thought about you. I work as a medical scribe in a hospital and the employees and staff that I just so happen to work with all happen to be primarily white. Now let me make a distinction Nanaba before I continue, I’ve grown up around white/Caucasian/ethnically european people all my life, they’re my friends , my coworkers, my teachers, my everything  – that was not the concerning factor. What was the distinguishing factor though was how different this group of people were from my friends in the past who just so happened to also be white/Caucasian/ or ethnically of European descent. You see Nana, my friends in the past had always lived around diversity. They already knew about things like Ramadan and fasting, hijab, 5 daily prayers, and such. They felt comfortable asking about what they didn’t know and they embraced me for exactly who I was deep on the inside. They didn’t judge me nor were they afraid of me because of my exterior dress or because I may have a few differences from them. They were comfortable with difference and welcomed me whole heartedly- the differences, the similarities, and the crazy  haha  :). Even the people who may not have been my “friends,” they knew enough to know that I was not some weirdo like they show on TV.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came to encounter these people at my work. They did not know a THING about me! My religion, my culture, nor anything else and they didn’t even bother to ask. Let me set the record straight, if they did not know anything, that would be fine, but they also had no interest in learning anything about me either. (As I write this, I am beginning to realize how toxic this whole job and situation was. I am honestly surprised I did not leave earlier.)

In either case, back on track. So yeah these people were different. Instead of being willing to ask questions they were instead too afraid to ask questions, and subsequently proceeded to say nothing at all, instead opting to make judgements in their head about who I might be. I remember a doctor meeting me for the first time and the FIRST thing he said to me was – “so you guys get arranged marriages right?” He then proceeded to tell me about his Pakistani friend who he knew in college, who made really good Indian food. My issue was that he did not even ask me a question really, he just ASSUMED my family did arranged marriages and that was that. I was frustrated that that was the first thing he thought of when he saw me instead of – “oh a human being I’ve never met, maybe I should ask how she is doing, or how her job is”, or literally a billion other possible questions! But no he had to start with arranged marriages. Which we both know he clearly doesn’t subscribe to and so if my answer was yes, he would proceed to continue to judge me for being weird or different. 

“But [so and so], you’re clearly seeing half of this all in your head, why bother thinking of all of this? He probably isn’t thinking half of it any way.”

A: Oh he’s thinking it. People don’t always have to spell things out, for you to know that you are being judged, or that people are too afraid to talk to you, or they are too nervous to ask a question. They do that thing where they give each other a look and pause for a second before they continue talking to you and its horrific. 

Is it terrible that when he asked me that question I actually appreciated that he asked me a question instead of all the other doctors and PA’s that said nothing? And instead talked behind my back, finding it strange that I run with a scarf on (also I no offense but why is that so strange? The act of running isn’t impossible to do while also wearing a covering over your hair. The two are not mutually exclusive. Okay anyways, I digress.)

The rest of them were pretty toxic as well. And I don’t mean prejudice-wise. They were just not very nice to the people around them. The moment someone left the room, they’d proceed to gossip about that person’s divorce, or difficulty having a baby, or annoying voice. They’d complain about poor patients that had DEMENTIA! Like c’mon, that’s pretty low, she can’t even help that . Anywayyyyys this is not a rant against the people I work with. So getting back to the point Nanaba, I felt isolated. I felt so alone. I felt so weird suddenly because of the color of my skin, and my very very fragrant Indian lunches, and the fact that I brought a water bottle with me to the bathroom. And for the first time in my life Nanaba, I understood what you went through every single day that you lived here. I don’t even have an accent but you had that too! You were surrounded by dozens of people that looked nothing like you, who didn’t invite you to their parties or make jokes with you as a group. They probably did not talk to you often. You probably missed home so so much- your food, the hyderabadi streets with the athaan calling 5 times a day. And yet, you continued to persevere, to treat everyone with love and kindness. To continually and consistently pray your salah 5 times a day. You did it so much that people interested in Islam would come to you for guidance. You loved people and that was all that mattered. 

And so today, when I felt alone and isolated, and like everyone was mocking me, I thought about you and how often you would tell me “Allah is ALWAYS with you [insert my name here].” I thought about how brave you must’ve been to live in this new country with no Muslims around, nor mosques for miles and miles around. I thought about how proud and supportive you were of my mother/(your daughter) for deciding to wear the hijab instead of fearing what people may say about her. I thought about all the times you changed a heart in the VA- like people like John who initially did not like you, but later on only wanted YOU to treat him. 

I thought about your courage and your strength. I thought about your love, your kindness, and your caring and patient personality. I thought about your lovely smile and laugh that always brings a smile to my face. I love you so much Nanaba. I love the smile you bring to my face and the way your eyes light up when you tell a joke about marriage. I love how happy you become when you are around your brothers and I wonder what kind of smile you used to have when you were around your favorite brother Salah-uddin taya. 

I love your scary stories and the way you say “stupid” and how silly it sounds coming from a person who’s speech is always so eloquent and dignified. I love how much you love Werther’s original candy and bagels with sour cream and sugar. I love remembering how you would take us to Dairy Queen after Sunday school and your great hugs that I always wished would never end. 

I love you Nanaba. I love everything you have taught me and everything you have raised me to be. I know you go through pain because of me sometimes because I am not sure if I am going to pursue medicine and my parents’ situation, but I hope you know that I am not in pain. I am not sad because of my situation. I know that Allah (swt) tests those He loves. He tested The Prophet (s) with no parents, and he tested you with no mother for most of your life, and Allah swt chose to test me with a father that is sometimes there and sometimes he’s not. But honestly, that is probably the least difficult test compared to the other two difficulties I mentioned that my nana and my Prophet (s) had to endure. Allah swt never gives us a burden with which we cannot bear. So the only real thing to be scared of is that this difficulty leads me astray instead of closer to Allah (swt). So please pray that whatever I face Nanaba, that I seek Allah swt even more and more with each test. 

May Allah swt grant you the same!

Sincerely, Sakinah