Day….3million 7 hundred and 40 something of depressive episodes underway. I feel like I just can’t catch a break. Fear, self doubt, paranoia, the feeling that whatever I do will never be done as well as I want it to be done. These things are constantly wracking my brain. Its the reason I haven’t posted regularly in a long time on here. Its the reason I’ve deleted all my identifying social media platforms because I’m afraid of what other people will think and/or judge about me.

I go to a toxic workplace where people gossip about me and that has ramped up my paranoia to another level. And then mull over and over about the embarrassing things that I’ve done while I was there. I mull over all the things I did that I hope wasnt obvious but probably totally was.

I then relate those “great” memories to all the embarrassing moments prior to me starting this work (aka throughout my entire life) and start to convince myself that I’m crazy. That my family looks at me like I’m crazy. That they look at me the same way they look at my bipolar disorder aunt who is 40 and lives with her parents and hasn’t had a job for over 20 years now.

I’m beginning to dwindle but this writing is helping a lil right now.

Its reminding me of how fortunate I am too have all the caring and loving people that I Do have in my life. A loving grandmother who will do anything for me. All of my grandparents being alive. A wonderful mother and brother. I’m reminded that people don’t look at my aunt the way they do because she is crazy but because she is not helping out. Because she sits at home all day. I’m reminded that that does NOT have to be me. I’m reminded that I sent in my applications yesterday and I can sign up for classes somewhere if I don’t get in anywhere.

I’m reminded that this is just a toxic workplace and that when I am around my friends and the people I love, I am NOT weird to them. I’m not messed up. I’m funny, im understood, they don’t take my jokes the wrong way but rather get them perfectly. Ok I’m done I should get dressed for work now.

Buh bye ✌🏽

May 1st- lol I’m reading this right now and this really sounds like period mood swings. Also, I’m fasting so probably a little hangry too. But reading it is helpful for me to realize how much I can psych myself out just by being in my head for too long. Its good to get out of your head. Put words on paper, do a painting, take a walk, deliver a pizza, help an old lady across the street, just DO something. Its really easy to not do something nowadays because we have our phones. But hopefully we can learn to put it down and be an active member of society instead.