First of all, I apologize that this post is very much in contrast to the one before it. But this serves as my mental health journal. And sometimes I’m not perfectly feeling fine and I guess that’s okay…

Anyways, I hate depression. I hate that I have this. Why can’t I get better? Why is it so hard for people to understand why some days I literally don’t care about anything in the world. I don’t want to die but I’m also just tired of fighting life and I genuinely don’t care. And I skip all my duties for that day. And then I hate myself for that and so I am not happy with who I am. And then that makes me isolate myself because I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. I don’t want to be this depressing, unmotivated person that people have to drag to do simple things- like get up and brush their teeth. So I sit by myself alone which makes everything worse and I hate it.

Why can’t I just wake up like a normal person? Why does my morning involve fighting the complete lack of will to do anything, while the person next to me is just fighting some minor grogginess? Why does it suck that I realize that getting married, or finding a partner won’t even fix it; That these feelings I have are unfortunately way beyond loneliness, and no one else even gets it. Sometimes I’m so exhausted that the friends who DO know about my condition, I don’t even have the energy to tell them that. Like everything is exhausting, and I feel nothing and I hate that. Because everyone else just sees me as being lazy, or you get judged for not taking medication but it’s not that easy! And suggesting “just take your medication” to a person with MDD makes me realize how much you truly don’t understand. If I could give you my body for a day I would but I can’t.

And anyways. It’s just exhausting. Sometimes having depression just makes me feel so weak and pathetic as a person. Like why can’t I just figure this out? Why can’t I solve this? Why are there no patterns to my days?

I guess to end on a happier note though, I try to remind myself what Allah says, and that is that every fatigue, every hurt, every pain, even the tiny prick by a thorn, Allah says He is taking it into account and accruing good deeds for us for the pain we endure in this life. If fatigue is included, then I’m getting heaps on heaps of good deeds inshallah.

Alright rant over. Just in case you thought I started liking my depression. 😖😖😖