Shout out to all the therapists out there who are handling the world’s in-quarantine mental health situation, and to my personal therapist for making my day a little brighter today. I’m still currently in that beginning stage with my therapist where I kinda need to meet with her regularly (although I think at this specific point, I am going to need to start branching out). Secondary to my depression, I have a tendency to be… irregular when it comes to taking care of my mental health, including keeping up with my therapy appointments. It is not on purpose, and my diagnosis is not mentioned to excuse me of proper appointment etiquette, but I sometimes honestly forget- a common symptom for me. Other times, I will be in the thick of my episode and so I will just sit in bed all day and not want to do anything.

Not brush my teeth, not eat (even though my stomach is grumbling), not watch TV, or get dressed, and of course, NOT see my therapist.

So needless to say, I have to see her regularly. If I miss a week or 2, I will see the effects on my life. I will use yesterday’s failures and lack of productivity to justify my current day’s lack of productivity

Aka…. “I failed yesterday, I probably will fail today. There is no point in even getting up and trying. I’ll just get up when I feel like it.” and so on and so forth.

So today, I had an appointment with my therapist but after 2 weeks instead of 1. This was a unique situation because I did not miss last week’s appointment, but rather my therapist went on vacation and it was a whole thing.

I was prepared for it, but the most wonderful thing happened, I don’t think I fell as hard as I normally would. I spent the days that I really really needed to talk to her, by texting her and writing in my journal, knowing full well that I would not receive a response until she got back from vacation.

I actually WORKED through my own anxiety after receiving my first acceptance letter to a graduate program! It felt wonderful. But of course, I did not really inculcate or acknowledge the feeling until I sat down with her today and talked. I don’t plan on making this post super long.

It is simply a means by which to reflect and say, I am proud of myself for not falling down a dark hole for the 2 weeks that I did not have therapy. I also am just happy that I saw my therapist today.

We did not really work on some of the heavy stuff I needed to work through, rather we reflected on my accomplishments and where I am at now at the age of 24. We talked about my need for independence and the need to move out of my parent’s house pleeease. We talked about how well I have been dealing with the toxic nature of my parent’s relationship, and the now relatively obsolete relationship I have with my father because he is not talking to me at all.

We reflected on the fact that I acknowledged I really truly did do everything I could. And I will continue to try love my father and treat him with care, despite whatever his feelings or behavior is to me.

We talked about the importance of leaving the nest after high school, but also that everyone has their own path after high school and their own path for a reason. Some people are meant to get married early, some later. Some are meant to finish school first, and then start a family. Some are meant to work for “Doctor’s without Borders” and brave their way through war torn zones to serve mankind, and others are meant to lead in an Engineering department.

While I could regret the fact that I did not move out in college, I could also acknowledge the fact that I have come SO far! Throughout college I barely had my depression under any type of control and I was working through trying to understand it, and learn how to deal with it.

I remember telling my therapist how naive my perspective on depression was. I thought there was one cure. That I could just take a pill and eventually it would go away forever in a few months like when you take an antibiotic to cure an infection for a few weeks. I now see and know that depression is more like a chronic condition like Diabetes. I have to take medication to regularly keep my body in tip top mental health shape. I will have my ups and downs, and sure I have to take medication forever, but that doesn’t define me.

I shan’t go into every single detail of our talk, but the moral of the story is that everything happens for a reason. My depression is for a reason, my household struggles are there for a reason, the ups and down of life both exist for the reason of allowing you to grow and change, and mold you into the person you are now.

It makes us stronger and we have a saying in my religion that God goes something along the lines of “Oh you who believe, know that Allah (swt) (aka God) will never give you a burden which you cannot handle.” And that kind of summed up my entire session today- that everyone’s life follows its own path and you shouldn’t have to compete with others to do everything at the exact same time as they are because God has destined your own path just for you. And the struggles that you were given (aka Depression) is something that God knows you can handle and you will be able to bear. While if I were to be given the struggle of Leukemia, maybe I couldn’t handle it who knows.

And maybe if I moved out for college at 18, I would have probably have had to face suicide at some point because of how uncontrolled my depression already was. So God had a plan for me, and I dealt with it and I still deal with it, and at the end of the day, I am in the right place at the right time. Its all good. Sometimes the right place even means moving out of your situation to become better so that you can come back to your family to make that situation better.

Last but not least, I got into a graduate program! I am excited and cannot wait to start (and possibly move) to wherever place I choose. Thanks for reading the therapy ramblings!

Best,

Sakeenah