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A Gratitude Journal- post 27 birthday

On By sakeenahtahirIn My Story (Category), UncategorizedLeave a comment

Asalamualaikum,

My dear respected brothers and sisters in Islam.

Hehe. Sounds kind of like the khateeb when he gives a khutbah at jummuah.

… I haven’t been to jummuah. In a long time. 😦 I want to go back. Maybe this Ramadan, that will be one of my goals.

Its raining today. The older I get, the more I love rain. The calmness it brings. The way it makes the sound of cars racing by sound different. The way it looks like tiny, nameless, unassuming specs through my window, until it reaches the ground and colors the driveways a dark beige, and then I can see it. I can see it in grand puddles scattered across my neighborhood. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for rain.

I wonder if it is raining for Aisha’s mom. A friend of mine’s mother passed away yesterday. May Allah be pleased with her and grant her jennah-tul-firdaws. I did not know her. I did not know her daughter very well either, but she is a wonderful woman. May Allah make it easy for my friend as well ameen.

I wanted to take some time today to write a gratitude journal. I am 27 subhanallah! Can you believe it? Oh how quickly time passes. It feels like yesterday I was writing a journal about all the things I learned by 23. Oh gee. I knew nothing at 23! And I will probably feel the same again the next time I write this.

I don’t really have any lessons today. Just a gratitude journal. I am grateful for being given another day to breathe many breaths alhamdulillah. I am grateful to have been able to see my grandparents last weekend and done a paint and pass with my friend.

I am grateful for my full time job that gets me up every morning and out of the house before 9 am. I am grateful my sleep schedule is not as bad as it used to be 2 years ago.

I am grateful for a certain sense of awareness in my life and about my mental health. My mother has always been a heroine to me and she still is. But as she gets older, perhaps she is more bitter or perhaps it has been there her whole life, but I realize her anger and meanness towards me is subtle. She has a way of making me feel guilty without ordering me to do anything. Her questions are suggestions that she makes me feel guilty about not taking in a very slighted manner. It used to get to me. I would beat myself up and never felt accomplished around her, like I was always doing something wrong. My mom likes to solve problems. That is the only way she knows how to show me love too I guess. Especially when she is depressed about her own life. Anyways, this is all to say, that I am grateful I can recognize this now. In the past, I pretty much made her opinions my standard, and since I never matched up to them I was always a failure. Being aware of her behavior now though, I am able to move past it without it getting to my head or tying it to my self worth. Perhaps the concise way to put it is that through my awareness I have learned to compartmentalize. A crucial skill in my profession anyways. So I am grateful for the awareness, and with it the self esteem, and hopefulness I have brought into myself.

I am grateful for the applications I was able to submit, and the money I was able to spend on them.

I am grateful for the many many beautiful clothes I own, and the opportunity to give many away and pass them on to another wonderful person.

I am grateful for water, and the sweetness, and refreshing taste it brings that no other drink can seem to match. Perhaps this is what they mean by the word “quench.” Tea might taste delicious, but nothing quenches thirst like the sweet taste of water on a dry throat.

I am grateful for all the money I am saving by being able to live in my family’s home, and for having a family that lets me live in their home.

I know I cannot make everyone happy. Sometimes I wish I could fix my mothers life, and improve my nani’s mental health. Sometimes I wish I could be the heroine that saves everyone’s day in various ways. I cannot, I am not a superhero and I am certainly not God. But that is why I am lucky to have a God- to leave my problems in Their hands. Oh Allah ease my grandparents’ pains both mental and physical and allow/grant them a sweet death, and a sweet hereafter. Ya Allah allow me to feel content surrounding my grandparents and to not feel regretful. Oh Allah bless my grandparents the honor of being a shaheed and allow the last words on ALL of their lips to be la ilaha ilallah. Make my nani content, happy, peaceful, and calm. Remove the hate she has in her heart towards other people.

Ya Allah fix my family situation. Whatever is bringing difficulty, sadness, tension, depression, unfulfillment, or fear, or pain, please fix it. Please heal it. Please mend it in the way you know best.

Ya Allah protect me. Protect me from mental pain, and physical pain, and financial pain, and emotional pain. Protect me from coming nearer to You via a difficult path.

Grant me a fruitful, successful, and happy Ramadan. Make me someone that brings joy to the people I am around. Ya Allah, surely You know, and I know not. I pray that you grant me help and aid in wherever I need it most. I ask for your help just as Musa (as) asked for Your help. I am in need of whatever it is you can provide for me. Ameeeeeeeeeeen!

Thank you for my car ya Allah. Thank you for my job, my car, my parents, my brother, my family, my speech, my mind, my heart, my limbs, my eyes, and ears, and face. Thank you for every working cell in my body, and the things that don’t work that you protect me from.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I hate having this

On By sakeenahtahirIn My Story (Category)Leave a comment

First of all, I apologize that this post is very much in contrast to the one before it. But this serves as my mental health journal. And sometimes I’m not perfectly feeling fine and I guess that’s okay…

Anyways, I hate depression. I hate that I have this. Why can’t I get better? Why is it so hard for people to understand why some days I literally don’t care about anything in the world. I don’t want to die but I’m also just tired of fighting life and I genuinely don’t care. And I skip all my duties for that day. And then I hate myself for that and so I am not happy with who I am. And then that makes me isolate myself because I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. I don’t want to be this depressing, unmotivated person that people have to drag to do simple things- like get up and brush their teeth. So I sit by myself alone which makes everything worse and I hate it.

Why can’t I just wake up like a normal person? Why does my morning involve fighting the complete lack of will to do anything, while the person next to me is just fighting some minor grogginess? Why does it suck that I realize that getting married, or finding a partner won’t even fix it; That these feelings I have are unfortunately way beyond loneliness, and no one else even gets it. Sometimes I’m so exhausted that the friends who DO know about my condition, I don’t even have the energy to tell them that. Like everything is exhausting, and I feel nothing and I hate that. Because everyone else just sees me as being lazy, or you get judged for not taking medication but it’s not that easy! And suggesting “just take your medication” to a person with MDD makes me realize how much you truly don’t understand. If I could give you my body for a day I would but I can’t.

And anyways. It’s just exhausting. Sometimes having depression just makes me feel so weak and pathetic as a person. Like why can’t I just figure this out? Why can’t I solve this? Why are there no patterns to my days?

I guess to end on a happier note though, I try to remind myself what Allah says, and that is that every fatigue, every hurt, every pain, even the tiny prick by a thorn, Allah says He is taking it into account and accruing good deeds for us for the pain we endure in this life. If fatigue is included, then I’m getting heaps on heaps of good deeds inshallah.

Alright rant over. Just in case you thought I started liking my depression. 😖😖😖

In case you needed to hear this today: Don’t worry. It’s going to be ok.

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I know life can be crazy stressful sometimes. And when that happens you can make the mistake of getting in your head too much and thinking about all the alternate possibilities of your future, or mistakes of your past, and it can really take a toll on your brain. But the thing is, your brain needs some TLC too. Which is why I’m here to remind you that everything is going to be ok. Let me say that again:

Everything. Is going to be. Ok. Nothing, not even the intense emotions you’re feeling right now, last forever. They will subside, things will fall into place, you’ll figure it out, and everything. Will be. Ok. So let your brain rest, take a deep breath, think some positive, hopeful thoughts and click that reset button.

I’m rooting for you!😊💪🏽💪🏽

Mental Health: A poem

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Ok, I have to admit, I am not normally this brooding. But a session with my therapist today, paired with my monthly hormonal rollercoaster of emotions (girls, you know what I am talking about), led me to discuss some feelings I have, and have had in the past, about me taking medication. There was crying involved. But we got through the session and now I’m here.

In looking back, I realized I went through a crazy loop of feelings (like the ones down below) for a long time before I finally felt like I was starting to climb out of the well of my mental health journey. “Finally” referring to only 1 year ago, which in the grand scheme of having MDD for 14+ years, is relatively recent. Only now do I feel like I can explain it to people, and have a minor grasp of it myself so I can share and teach it to others. However before that, I was in the dark a lot. I was so confused and unable to seek guidance from anyone because none of us understood it! Neither in science, nor in society, and most definitely not my very Indian family. So to put a long story short, apologies for the brooding of the poem, but give it a read. Maybe it can be enlightening in some odd sort of way.

Alone.

In a well.

Capable of seeing the sky but unable to touch the clouds.

The illness of the brain, its a silent sort of pain.

Like the way weeds gingerly dry out a flower bed, while none is the wiser.

Or the way a dying sun is masked by a cloudy day.

Its still happening. Its still painful. Its still there…

Its lingering. Reckless. And messing with my head.

Making me think I’m weak for not “getting over it.”

Convincing me there’s something wrong with me.

Constantly causing me to wonder if other people can see it.

Can you see it? Can you see the “crazy” in me? Am I hiding it well?

I’m told its mostly attributed to trauma.

That the way I look at others and am constantly aware of others’ feelings and comforts,

its not a trait of compassion but rather a result of trauma,

From constantly being told not to cry,

Constantly having the rug pulled from under me with no stable rock to hold onto,

nor any idea of when it might come. Or when it might end.

So? I’m on constant alert, 24/7, walls up.

Guards up…Trust down.

…

Constantly. Constantly, constantly, constantly.

What good is the word for anyway except to emphasize the incident and make it sound worse.

“Constantly catastrophizing” she told me.

Don’t use words like “always”, or “never.”

“Its too dramatic.” she says.

Well, I can’t argue with that.

I am in fact writing a poem right now and I can’t think of anything more dramatic.

But in the context of “dramatic,” I encourage you to look at the word a little differently.

Change dramatic for empathetic.

Now what’s it look like?

Imagine that you’re in her shoes.

The girl dealing with an illness she doesn’t understand and neither does anyone else.

A lab rat to the medications that have no promise of success

Except through trial and error.

Trying to explain it to other’s while trying to understand it herself.

Imagine for however many times a day you think to yourself:

“Why is she so lazy?”

how many more times must she be wondering the same thing,

And yet feel like she has no control in fixing it the way you can do so easily.

Mental health.

The thoughts of the mind.

It’s not a shared experience.

So? You have to believe…

Believe! Believe her when she says “constant”

and imagine it being constant.

Believe her when she says “physical pain!”

and imagine the physical pain.

Put on a shoe that doesn’t fit,

and wonder how far she must’ve walked in it,

In the discomfort.

How must it feel to not be able to identify the problem,

And still yet, instead be wrongly identified as the problem itself by others.

All I ask is for empathy.

For a little bit of empathy.

To recognize that while you may be able to touch the sky

Some other’s cannot.

While you are making strides on pedestals in the clouds

Some others are:

“Alone.

At the bottom of a well.

Capable of seeing the sky, but unable to touch the clouds.”

~Sakeenah Tahir (The Warrior Within)

Updates: Met with my therapist today after a 2 week vacation

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, My Story (Category), UncategorizedLeave a comment

Shout out to all the therapists out there who are handling the world’s in-quarantine mental health situation, and to my personal therapist for making my day a little brighter today. I’m still currently in that beginning stage with my therapist where I kinda need to meet with her regularly (although I think at this specific point, I am going to need to start branching out). Secondary to my depression, I have a tendency to be… irregular when it comes to taking care of my mental health, including keeping up with my therapy appointments. It is not on purpose, and my diagnosis is not mentioned to excuse me of proper appointment etiquette, but I sometimes honestly forget- a common symptom for me. Other times, I will be in the thick of my episode and so I will just sit in bed all day and not want to do anything.

Not brush my teeth, not eat (even though my stomach is grumbling), not watch TV, or get dressed, and of course, NOT see my therapist.

So needless to say, I have to see her regularly. If I miss a week or 2, I will see the effects on my life. I will use yesterday’s failures and lack of productivity to justify my current day’s lack of productivity

Aka…. “I failed yesterday, I probably will fail today. There is no point in even getting up and trying. I’ll just get up when I feel like it.” and so on and so forth.

So today, I had an appointment with my therapist but after 2 weeks instead of 1. This was a unique situation because I did not miss last week’s appointment, but rather my therapist went on vacation and it was a whole thing.

I was prepared for it, but the most wonderful thing happened, I don’t think I fell as hard as I normally would. I spent the days that I really really needed to talk to her, by texting her and writing in my journal, knowing full well that I would not receive a response until she got back from vacation.

I actually WORKED through my own anxiety after receiving my first acceptance letter to a graduate program! It felt wonderful. But of course, I did not really inculcate or acknowledge the feeling until I sat down with her today and talked. I don’t plan on making this post super long.

It is simply a means by which to reflect and say, I am proud of myself for not falling down a dark hole for the 2 weeks that I did not have therapy. I also am just happy that I saw my therapist today.

We did not really work on some of the heavy stuff I needed to work through, rather we reflected on my accomplishments and where I am at now at the age of 24. We talked about my need for independence and the need to move out of my parent’s house pleeease. We talked about how well I have been dealing with the toxic nature of my parent’s relationship, and the now relatively obsolete relationship I have with my father because he is not talking to me at all.

We reflected on the fact that I acknowledged I really truly did do everything I could. And I will continue to try love my father and treat him with care, despite whatever his feelings or behavior is to me.

We talked about the importance of leaving the nest after high school, but also that everyone has their own path after high school and their own path for a reason. Some people are meant to get married early, some later. Some are meant to finish school first, and then start a family. Some are meant to work for “Doctor’s without Borders” and brave their way through war torn zones to serve mankind, and others are meant to lead in an Engineering department.

While I could regret the fact that I did not move out in college, I could also acknowledge the fact that I have come SO far! Throughout college I barely had my depression under any type of control and I was working through trying to understand it, and learn how to deal with it.

I remember telling my therapist how naive my perspective on depression was. I thought there was one cure. That I could just take a pill and eventually it would go away forever in a few months like when you take an antibiotic to cure an infection for a few weeks. I now see and know that depression is more like a chronic condition like Diabetes. I have to take medication to regularly keep my body in tip top mental health shape. I will have my ups and downs, and sure I have to take medication forever, but that doesn’t define me.

I shan’t go into every single detail of our talk, but the moral of the story is that everything happens for a reason. My depression is for a reason, my household struggles are there for a reason, the ups and down of life both exist for the reason of allowing you to grow and change, and mold you into the person you are now.

It makes us stronger and we have a saying in my religion that God goes something along the lines of “Oh you who believe, know that Allah (swt) (aka God) will never give you a burden which you cannot handle.” And that kind of summed up my entire session today- that everyone’s life follows its own path and you shouldn’t have to compete with others to do everything at the exact same time as they are because God has destined your own path just for you. And the struggles that you were given (aka Depression) is something that God knows you can handle and you will be able to bear. While if I were to be given the struggle of Leukemia, maybe I couldn’t handle it who knows.

And maybe if I moved out for college at 18, I would have probably have had to face suicide at some point because of how uncontrolled my depression already was. So God had a plan for me, and I dealt with it and I still deal with it, and at the end of the day, I am in the right place at the right time. Its all good. Sometimes the right place even means moving out of your situation to become better so that you can come back to your family to make that situation better.

Last but not least, I got into a graduate program! I am excited and cannot wait to start (and possibly move) to wherever place I choose. Thanks for reading the therapy ramblings!

Best,

Sakeenah

Higher Purpose

This video…. just calmed me down in a way I’ve rarely been calmed before 😌😌

Now don’t get me wrong. I am in no way diminishing nor removing therapy, medication or other forms of mental health treatments from the equation, but at the end of the day my higher purpose is this☝🏽⬆️. And all the rest of it- medication, therapy, etc. is simply a means by which Allah has given me to treat myself and return to Him, humbled by my difficulty, and grateful for my higher purpose at the end of the day. This simple piece of knowledge always brings me to a much more peaceful place than anything else. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah.img_1771

On By sakeenahtahirIn Islamic Reflections, Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Depression meds causing anxiety? Help/Advice?

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So to those of you who don’t know, and/or did not read the title of this blog, I have Major Depressive Disorder, surprise! 😀

Lol ok no but for real, its a diagnosis I have been tied to since as early as 5th grade, but looking back I had signs of it relatively early on. I am not sure if it was due to family related situations, or if I was born with it, or predisposed, or what, and I don’t really care anymore. The point is, its a thing, that I have, and its sooo. much. fun. (She said with a strained distressed smile, bags hollowing out her undereyes). Anywhoo, so you get the picture. I also have spent a rocky road of 15+ years trying to treat it, and ultimately landed on a medication called Bupropion which I honestly feel has been helping. I first noted the effects about 4 to 5 months into it, but I am sure I was experiencing it earlier. I started running and the exercise I think really boosted it. And yadda yadda yadda, (I’ll talk about my initial experience with this medication in another post).

For the sake and purposes of THIS post however, I want to talk about the medication 2 years out- meaning I have been on it for 2 years now. Something I noticed when I initially started taking it was how much more energy and passion I felt I had. When something bothered me, instead of feeling numb and crawling into a bawl crying alone in my closet, I actually had the energy and gumption to voice and vocalize my anger, frustration, and my hurt. It was honestly a wonderful feeling. I also realized I could get into fights a little more often, and sometimes I would say something without thinking, thus effecting my relationships and regretting what I had said.

In reflecting over the past 2 years, I initially really loved this and when my doctor asked me about anxiety related side effects, I told her that I do feel as though I get anxiety now, but I honestly felt that it was me being my true self, and that the depression had been hiding this true gumption personality for the past 15 years now. She asked me about anxiety again and I brushed it off saying I was doing good and that a little bit of anxiety was good. I also decided that in having this new found anxiety, I need to learn (much later than others) how to control said anger and anxiety and energy and channel it properly. Calm down a little and learn to let some things go. And to continue to practice THINKING before I speak or act. Much like people with anger management issues may have.

Now… I’m starting to think the anxiety might be a lot. I am not really sure. I just know that I get anxiety a lot. I overthink, and ruminate and write, and type, and speak a LOT. I can see how some people may acknowledge this as “smart” and I liked feeling that way for a bit but I am worried that perhaps the anxiety is getting out of hand. I am not really sure what to do at this point. I am now on three meds (1.5 of bupropion, and a medication for my ICS diagnosis) at the age of 24 and the thought of being put on yet another medication kinda worries me.

Has anyone here dealt with depression medication related anxiety? And if so how do you deal with it? Is it something you felt was severe enough that you needed to change your medication? I’m really searching for answers at this point. I am happy because the medication I feel is working in the sense that I can get out of bed and do stuff (sometimes), and it doesn’t affect me like previous medications did like causing me to constantly be hungry or constantly feel sleepy. It has not come with any side effects that I was able to discern and I like that, and I like it. And i would like for it to stay that way. But of course at one point I guess you have to decide, to what extent is the side effect affecting your life negatively that you need to change it.

Anyways, just looking for some help and advice really. Thanks yall! Buh byye and salaam!

This is what anxiety looks like

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Day….3million 7 hundred and 40 something of depressive episodes underway. I feel like I just can’t catch a break. Fear, self doubt, paranoia, the feeling that whatever I do will never be done as well as I want it to be done. These things are constantly wracking my brain. Its the reason I haven’t posted regularly in a long time on here. Its the reason I’ve deleted all my identifying social media platforms because I’m afraid of what other people will think and/or judge about me.

I go to a toxic workplace where people gossip about me and that has ramped up my paranoia to another level. And then mull over and over about the embarrassing things that I’ve done while I was there. I mull over all the things I did that I hope wasnt obvious but probably totally was.

I then relate those “great” memories to all the embarrassing moments prior to me starting this work (aka throughout my entire life) and start to convince myself that I’m crazy. That my family looks at me like I’m crazy. That they look at me the same way they look at my bipolar disorder aunt who is 40 and lives with her parents and hasn’t had a job for over 20 years now.

I’m beginning to dwindle but this writing is helping a lil right now.

Its reminding me of how fortunate I am too have all the caring and loving people that I Do have in my life. A loving grandmother who will do anything for me. All of my grandparents being alive. A wonderful mother and brother. I’m reminded that people don’t look at my aunt the way they do because she is crazy but because she is not helping out. Because she sits at home all day. I’m reminded that that does NOT have to be me. I’m reminded that I sent in my applications yesterday and I can sign up for classes somewhere if I don’t get in anywhere.

I’m reminded that this is just a toxic workplace and that when I am around my friends and the people I love, I am NOT weird to them. I’m not messed up. I’m funny, im understood, they don’t take my jokes the wrong way but rather get them perfectly. Ok I’m done I should get dressed for work now.

Buh bye ✌🏽

May 1st- lol I’m reading this right now and this really sounds like period mood swings. Also, I’m fasting so probably a little hangry too. But reading it is helpful for me to realize how much I can psych myself out just by being in my head for too long. Its good to get out of your head. Put words on paper, do a painting, take a walk, deliver a pizza, help an old lady across the street, just DO something. Its really easy to not do something nowadays because we have our phones. But hopefully we can learn to put it down and be an active member of society instead.