Tag: mental illness

I hate having this

On By sakeenahtahirIn My Story (Category)Leave a comment

First of all, I apologize that this post is very much in contrast to the one before it. But this serves as my mental health journal. And sometimes I’m not perfectly feeling fine and I guess that’s okay…

Anyways, I hate depression. I hate that I have this. Why can’t I get better? Why is it so hard for people to understand why some days I literally don’t care about anything in the world. I don’t want to die but I’m also just tired of fighting life and I genuinely don’t care. And I skip all my duties for that day. And then I hate myself for that and so I am not happy with who I am. And then that makes me isolate myself because I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. I don’t want to be this depressing, unmotivated person that people have to drag to do simple things- like get up and brush their teeth. So I sit by myself alone which makes everything worse and I hate it.

Why can’t I just wake up like a normal person? Why does my morning involve fighting the complete lack of will to do anything, while the person next to me is just fighting some minor grogginess? Why does it suck that I realize that getting married, or finding a partner won’t even fix it; That these feelings I have are unfortunately way beyond loneliness, and no one else even gets it. Sometimes I’m so exhausted that the friends who DO know about my condition, I don’t even have the energy to tell them that. Like everything is exhausting, and I feel nothing and I hate that. Because everyone else just sees me as being lazy, or you get judged for not taking medication but it’s not that easy! And suggesting “just take your medication” to a person with MDD makes me realize how much you truly don’t understand. If I could give you my body for a day I would but I can’t.

And anyways. It’s just exhausting. Sometimes having depression just makes me feel so weak and pathetic as a person. Like why can’t I just figure this out? Why can’t I solve this? Why are there no patterns to my days?

I guess to end on a happier note though, I try to remind myself what Allah says, and that is that every fatigue, every hurt, every pain, even the tiny prick by a thorn, Allah says He is taking it into account and accruing good deeds for us for the pain we endure in this life. If fatigue is included, then I’m getting heaps on heaps of good deeds inshallah.

Alright rant over. Just in case you thought I started liking my depression. 😖😖😖

In case you needed to hear this today: Don’t worry. It’s going to be ok.

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I know life can be crazy stressful sometimes. And when that happens you can make the mistake of getting in your head too much and thinking about all the alternate possibilities of your future, or mistakes of your past, and it can really take a toll on your brain. But the thing is, your brain needs some TLC too. Which is why I’m here to remind you that everything is going to be ok. Let me say that again:

Everything. Is going to be. Ok. Nothing, not even the intense emotions you’re feeling right now, last forever. They will subside, things will fall into place, you’ll figure it out, and everything. Will be. Ok. So let your brain rest, take a deep breath, think some positive, hopeful thoughts and click that reset button.

I’m rooting for you!😊💪🏽💪🏽

Mental Health: A poem

On By sakeenahtahirIn Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Ok, I have to admit, I am not normally this brooding. But a session with my therapist today, paired with my monthly hormonal rollercoaster of emotions (girls, you know what I am talking about), led me to discuss some feelings I have, and have had in the past, about me taking medication. There was crying involved. But we got through the session and now I’m here.

In looking back, I realized I went through a crazy loop of feelings (like the ones down below) for a long time before I finally felt like I was starting to climb out of the well of my mental health journey. “Finally” referring to only 1 year ago, which in the grand scheme of having MDD for 14+ years, is relatively recent. Only now do I feel like I can explain it to people, and have a minor grasp of it myself so I can share and teach it to others. However before that, I was in the dark a lot. I was so confused and unable to seek guidance from anyone because none of us understood it! Neither in science, nor in society, and most definitely not my very Indian family. So to put a long story short, apologies for the brooding of the poem, but give it a read. Maybe it can be enlightening in some odd sort of way.

Alone.

In a well.

Capable of seeing the sky but unable to touch the clouds.

The illness of the brain, its a silent sort of pain.

Like the way weeds gingerly dry out a flower bed, while none is the wiser.

Or the way a dying sun is masked by a cloudy day.

Its still happening. Its still painful. Its still there…

Its lingering. Reckless. And messing with my head.

Making me think I’m weak for not “getting over it.”

Convincing me there’s something wrong with me.

Constantly causing me to wonder if other people can see it.

Can you see it? Can you see the “crazy” in me? Am I hiding it well?

I’m told its mostly attributed to trauma.

That the way I look at others and am constantly aware of others’ feelings and comforts,

its not a trait of compassion but rather a result of trauma,

From constantly being told not to cry,

Constantly having the rug pulled from under me with no stable rock to hold onto,

nor any idea of when it might come. Or when it might end.

So? I’m on constant alert, 24/7, walls up.

Guards up…Trust down.

…

Constantly. Constantly, constantly, constantly.

What good is the word for anyway except to emphasize the incident and make it sound worse.

“Constantly catastrophizing” she told me.

Don’t use words like “always”, or “never.”

“Its too dramatic.” she says.

Well, I can’t argue with that.

I am in fact writing a poem right now and I can’t think of anything more dramatic.

But in the context of “dramatic,” I encourage you to look at the word a little differently.

Change dramatic for empathetic.

Now what’s it look like?

Imagine that you’re in her shoes.

The girl dealing with an illness she doesn’t understand and neither does anyone else.

A lab rat to the medications that have no promise of success

Except through trial and error.

Trying to explain it to other’s while trying to understand it herself.

Imagine for however many times a day you think to yourself:

“Why is she so lazy?”

how many more times must she be wondering the same thing,

And yet feel like she has no control in fixing it the way you can do so easily.

Mental health.

The thoughts of the mind.

It’s not a shared experience.

So? You have to believe…

Believe! Believe her when she says “constant”

and imagine it being constant.

Believe her when she says “physical pain!”

and imagine the physical pain.

Put on a shoe that doesn’t fit,

and wonder how far she must’ve walked in it,

In the discomfort.

How must it feel to not be able to identify the problem,

And still yet, instead be wrongly identified as the problem itself by others.

All I ask is for empathy.

For a little bit of empathy.

To recognize that while you may be able to touch the sky

Some other’s cannot.

While you are making strides on pedestals in the clouds

Some others are:

“Alone.

At the bottom of a well.

Capable of seeing the sky, but unable to touch the clouds.”

~Sakeenah Tahir (The Warrior Within)

Higher Purpose

This video…. just calmed me down in a way I’ve rarely been calmed before 😌😌

Now don’t get me wrong. I am in no way diminishing nor removing therapy, medication or other forms of mental health treatments from the equation, but at the end of the day my higher purpose is this☝🏽⬆️. And all the rest of it- medication, therapy, etc. is simply a means by which Allah has given me to treat myself and return to Him, humbled by my difficulty, and grateful for my higher purpose at the end of the day. This simple piece of knowledge always brings me to a much more peaceful place than anything else. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah.img_1771

On By sakeenahtahirIn Islamic Reflections, Mental health, UncategorizedLeave a comment